Dear Cash,
You turn 6 weeks old tomorrow. I can't believe that it has been that long since I became your father. This time has flown by like nothing I've ever known. With learning how to be a father, working, and trying to spend time with you, your mom, and your nana, I haven't had time to write anything in here for quite sometime.
I want to tell you about the day you were born.
You were overdue. Not too late, but you were getting too big. We were worried that your head was going to be too big for your mom to be able to deliver you naturally. Papa and Nana flew all the way over to Korea to be able to see you in person as soon as possible. On Monday, May 21st (your cousin Cooper's birthday) we packed 엄마's bag, got in the car and I drove to the birthing center. We were so ready to have you join us. The doctor put your mom on an iv drip that helped her start her labor. Pretty soon, the labor started. We were so excited the first time the labor started. We were ready to spend hours waiting for you to come and the pain wasn't nearly as bad as we thought it would be. When the doctor gave his first examination, she was already beginning dilating. She was only at 1cm but it was something! However, as the hours wore on and on, the contractions didn't seem to change. The doctor came back and said you hadn't moved down at all and that your mom was still at 1 cm. After 12 hours of contractions, there was no change. But, that can happen sometimes. So, 엄마 tried to send me home, but I refused. Instead, I laid down on a tiny little mattress that was about 1.5 feet too short for me and I let my legs dangle off the end and slept with one eye open. I was so ready for your mom to tell me that the contractions had changed and that she thought she was ready to push. However, the next morning at 6am, the nurses came in and checked on your mom. Nothing had changed. We had now been in the hospital for 19 hours and she was still only at 1cm. When the doctor came at around 10am, he told us the possibility of your head being too big to move down was pretty high and we could keep waiting if we wanted to. However, we were tired of waiting and if your head was too big, we would eventually have to have surgery. So, we decided to go in and get you out via c-section.
At 11:30, Uncle Nick took Nana and Papa out for lunch with a promise of bringing me something to eat. We had scheduled the surgery for 12:30. However, at 12:10 the nurses started preparing your mother for surgery saying that they were going to operate at 12:15 instead, Nana and Papa hadn't come back yet! So, when your mom was in getting ready, I was left outside pacing back and forth. Finally, at 12:12 they showed up and I told them that your mom was getting ready for a 12:15 operation. I sat on the sofa waiting with Nana and Papa and at 12:18 Nana's eyes got really big and she waved at me to stand up. With heart in my throat I jumped up and looked through the doors and watched as the nurse brought out a bundle of blankets so thick that it looked like a sleeping bag, but I knew what that meant. I can never forget how I felt as I watched her come and hold you out so that I could hold you in my arms and look down at your wrinkly, waxy, orange face. You were screaming so hard. I couldn't say anything, I could just look at you and get my heart back into my chest. With my arms around you, and your lungs developing VERY well, I finally found my voice. "Cameron" I said. "Cameron, it's me, your daddy." Instantly, you stopped crying. It was magical. You knew my voice from the times I talked to you when you were inside your mommy. I wanted to keep holding you, but you needed a shot so that you could breastfeed and they needed to weigh you and measure you.
Now, I was lost. I wanted to storm into that back room and hold you more, I wanted to go see your mommy, I could do neither. So, instead I sat back down on the sofa, looked at Nana and Papa as Uncle Nick put some KFC into my hand and I began to eat my lunch. I don't remember what it tasted like, it didn't matter, I still had the sharp, sour, beautiful smell of my son in my mouth, I could hear you wailing in discomfort as you dealt with the fact that you were ripped away from everything you knew, taken from the only two people you ever had a connection with and then poked and scrubbed and who knows what else. After pacing in and out of the labor rooms and trying to get a glimpse of your mom through the operating room doors, I finally got to see your mom. The doctor and three other guys carried your mom on a sheet through the swinging doors and into the recovery room. They seemed surprised to see me but told me I can see her.
As soon as they laid her down, I was at her side. She was put under complete anesthesia instead of a local, so she was still asleep. However, after about a minute she began waking up. I grabbed her hand and the first thing I could say was "he's beautiful. Baby, he's beautiful." When your mom could get some words together, she asked me, "did you get to hold him?" "yes," I said. "Is he pretty?" she queried, "He's beautiful, he has a low voice and he's gorgeous." Because of the anesthesia, she asked me several questions over and over again but the most important question was "did you get to hold him?" I was so happy that I was able to hold you, even if it was just a little bit. About 30 minutes later your mom was awake enough that they could bring you in so she could see you for the first time. The look on her face was another thing I'm never going to forget. She was still drugged, her breath smelled like anesthesia, and her smile and eyes were trying to fight against that numbness left in her. But she was delighted to see you. If you don't know, your mother has so much love in her. All that love was throwing itself at you through that drugged visage. She kept repeating the same thing over and over again.
"he's beautiful, so beautiful, our son is so beautiful"
Monday, July 2, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
One month
My dearest Cameron,
Today is April 17, 2012. 7 months ago our doctor told us that we were going to have a baby around May 17th. We were so excited. Elated. Ecstatic. We thought that we couldn't have any children and had begun preparing for a life with no children. May 17th seemed so far away and now it is only one month away. You have been an ideal baby. Your mother barely had any morning sickness and although she is tired, she has had very few problems.
Everyday she calls me over to her when you are active and I talk to you. Whenever you hear my voice you kick or punch right near my mouth and I can see her stomach moving and I feel you. It is such an awesome thing to know that you are in there making some room and responding to my voice. I can't wait to see you, to hold you, to listen to you coo and cry, to smell your skin and play with your little feet and hands.
I can't help but think about your future. What sports will you like? Will you be artistic? Scientific? Intelligent? Funny? Will you be a musician or will you be a good football player? I wonder how tall you're going to be, what your sense of humor will be like, and what kind of music you'll be into.
I worry about my own ability to raise you. Then, I just think, when you already love something that you've never met, how can you be a bad parent. I know that I'm always going to be interested in everything that you do and tell me. When you are 4 years old and are repeating the same joke for the 50th time, I'll still laugh. I will always love you. I know that you will do things that you think will make me angry or disappointed. But I will always love you and will always be there for you.
When you are 16 and you steal our car to go hang out with your friends, I will still love you. Sure, I'll be angry, furious maybe, but I will never hurt you and I will always love you. When you go off to university and you do poorly in class because you were sidetracked by life, I'll be there to help you get back on the right path.
You still have a month of growing before you come into the light, but I am finding it harder and harder to wait for you. Every year at Christmas, I would look longingly at the presents beneath the tree, find those that were mine and wonder what each little package contained. I would fantasize that maybe this one held that toy truck I wanted or the books that were really popular. I never opened the packages early because the waiting made the opening that much better. When Christmas morning came around, I was a giddy little boy. I still am. I am looking at the greatest present I have ever received and I am a giddy little boy. I'm waiting Cameron, I'm waiting for my own personal Christmas, your birthday.
Come when you're ready, but don't take too long!
Love,
Your Dad
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
My winter vacation
It's that time of the year again. The time when I flee the school and stay as far away as possible for 3 weeks. This year, our vacation didn't actually start until Dec. 29th but because my back was so messed up, the school decided that I wasn't going to have to do a winter camp. Thank science for that! It's so much work for such an awkward event.
Every year, this is the time that as soon as school finishes I race home, grab my wife and my suitcase and catch the first bus to the airport. I usually try to get out of the country within 12 hours of walking out of my office. Sooner if I can get a better flight.
This year, however, we are trying something different. I'm taking my vacation in my living room. bah, this sucks. Every year, we get to leave the confines of this xenophobic peninsula where every city looks like every other city and the cultural events and sites are the same from province to province. We escape the 0 degree cold and usually head to the palm trees and beaches of SE asia. This is in Krabi, Thailand, exactly one year ago to the day.
Now, I get to look at this.
But, because its currently -4 degrees outside, I'm spending more time playing stupid facebook games and reading about all the other foreign teachers' SE Asia vacations. Currently, I believe I know 3 people in Singapore, 2 in Malaysia, 6 in Thailand, 1 in Vietnam and then of course I know 3 people who live in Burma (Myanmar) but they don't count. Nick is going to Thailand in a week and a half and Kendall and Leslie are heading there on the 25th.
Now, I'm not saying I'm jealous, but the next time I hear about someone laying on the beach and playing with monkeys or elephants and eating some authentic Thai food I'm probably going to take their papaya salad and shove it in their ears until it comes out their mouths.
Everytime I start thinking, "man, I know I have money in my bank, I know that Yoon mi and I can take a short trip to Vietnam, or maybe Taiwan. . ." I just remind myself that the money it would cost for the two of us to get to the airport, fly, live in a hotel for a week, eat out, fly back, and bus back to town could also go toward living expenses so that the mother of my baby can stay at home that much longer with our child.
So, maybe I really want to go somewhere sunny. Maybe I want to eat something other than Korean food (I think I just thought of a new post). Maybe I want to go somewhere that doesn't have the same thing to see wherever I go. Maybe I need a break from Korea. However, none of that matters when it comes to providing my kid with the love and care that only my wife can provide with the money that we can save.
So, I'm off now to go for a hike in the valley.
Every year, this is the time that as soon as school finishes I race home, grab my wife and my suitcase and catch the first bus to the airport. I usually try to get out of the country within 12 hours of walking out of my office. Sooner if I can get a better flight.
This year, however, we are trying something different. I'm taking my vacation in my living room. bah, this sucks. Every year, we get to leave the confines of this xenophobic peninsula where every city looks like every other city and the cultural events and sites are the same from province to province. We escape the 0 degree cold and usually head to the palm trees and beaches of SE asia. This is in Krabi, Thailand, exactly one year ago to the day.
Now, I get to look at this.
But, because its currently -4 degrees outside, I'm spending more time playing stupid facebook games and reading about all the other foreign teachers' SE Asia vacations. Currently, I believe I know 3 people in Singapore, 2 in Malaysia, 6 in Thailand, 1 in Vietnam and then of course I know 3 people who live in Burma (Myanmar) but they don't count. Nick is going to Thailand in a week and a half and Kendall and Leslie are heading there on the 25th.
Now, I'm not saying I'm jealous, but the next time I hear about someone laying on the beach and playing with monkeys or elephants and eating some authentic Thai food I'm probably going to take their papaya salad and shove it in their ears until it comes out their mouths.
Everytime I start thinking, "man, I know I have money in my bank, I know that Yoon mi and I can take a short trip to Vietnam, or maybe Taiwan. . ." I just remind myself that the money it would cost for the two of us to get to the airport, fly, live in a hotel for a week, eat out, fly back, and bus back to town could also go toward living expenses so that the mother of my baby can stay at home that much longer with our child.
So, maybe I really want to go somewhere sunny. Maybe I want to eat something other than Korean food (I think I just thought of a new post). Maybe I want to go somewhere that doesn't have the same thing to see wherever I go. Maybe I need a break from Korea. However, none of that matters when it comes to providing my kid with the love and care that only my wife can provide with the money that we can save.
So, I'm off now to go for a hike in the valley.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
In the Flesh
I've been on winter vacation for a week. During that time, I've accomplished several things. I've managed to make several wooden planks, quite a few stone blocks, I've planted and harvested multiple crops and built several buildings. Oh, but in the real world I drank a few cups of coffee, watched some X-Files, did some shopping, went to the sauna and slept. I was going stir crazy and my plans to go to an island in the southern part of the country to visit a friend fell through as he's busy with Samsung's payroll and taxes. So, I called up an old friend of mine, a new friend of mine and Nick and went to Seoul. Nick had to work (sucker!) so he wouldn't be able to come up until later. Eric (the old friend) had winter camp so I decided to head up early and join him. My bus arrived at 12:30 in central Seoul. I walked through the station and headed out to the subway entrance. I was a bit preoccupied with my phone so I passed the entrance and was halfway to the inner city bus stop when I looked up and noticed a small gathering of people which usually indicates someone famous being present.
Oh, hold on.
There is a show that has been playing here since I got here. It is really fun and instead of going into the whole premise of the show, I'm going to use my mad blog skillz and hyperlink it. The show is called 무한도전 pronounced moo han doh jun. It means Infinite Challenge. This is the only Korean show that I can handle watching on a regular basis because it's not corny, the actors aren't extremely annoying and it has a lot of action (not usually cornball slapstick). Throughout the years, I have come to understand that nearly everyone I know (Koreans) watches this show. I have come to find the styles of 2 of the members to be the most entertaining. The first is yoo jae suk. He's the leader of the group and pretty funny. He is also a really nice guy and I'd guess that he is the most popular entertainer in Korea probably of all time. It seems that everyone loves him and everything he touches is successful. He's my second favorite entertainer. The other (and by far my favorite) is a guy named Noh Hong Cheol (<---Hyperlinkability!) (read the links please, I'm not just doing it to show my amazing editing skills).
Ok, back to what I was saying before. I passed the subway and saw a gathering. Before I got there, I remember thinking, I wonder if it could possibly be a muhan dojeon filming. As I was looking over to see what was going on, I caught a glimpse of a tall Korean with a goatee. Instantly I realized what I was seeing. There in front of me, 10 feet away was my favorite Korean entertainer. Standing in front of some odd food truck was Noh Hong Cheol (he also sang this song as part of his show, its called "shake it"). After trying to take a couple pics but getting blocked by the producers several times, I decided to head over to the side where there was a considerable lack of people. Now, I was 3 feet away from him and he was taking a short break while the director was working with his new co-host for his new show. I called out his name and when he turned around I put my thumb up, extended my arm and said, "you're the best". He did a double take when he saw that I wasn't a Korean and gave me a huge smile, he came over and shook my hand and we shared a little bro hug.
He started talking to me and instantly I had 5 cameras surrounding me. They were not going to miss the chance to film him speaking with a foreigner! I quickly realized that his English really is SERIOUSLY lacking. So, I spoke with him mostly in Korean because my Korean is better than his English. . .that's bad! He asked me where I was from and was surprised when I told him I knew who he was and that I watch his other show every week. He and his co-host (some guy who was in a boy band a little while ago that I don't know) explained to me that this new show is selling food for donations that go to some sort of charity. They wanted me to buy the first round of food. I was a little hungry and I am a ham for attention, since they were going to put me on tv, I agreed. Instead of just going up and grabbing some food, they made a huge show of it and No Hong Cheol made me address the crowd through a megaphone and introduce myself. With cameras 2 inches from my face, I said the only thing I could think of in Korean. "My name is (Korean name) I am American." well, it worked. I bought my food and walked away allowing them to get on with the show. It should air Friday the 13th at midnight thirty on MBN.
The rest of my trip was awesome and I am happy I was able to hang out, drink a couple good drinks, eat some amazing food, more importantly meet up with some good friends and wake up feeling good so that I could get on the bus and come back to my beautiful pregnant wife.
I wasn't sure if I was going to go to Seoul this weekend because I didn't have a specific goal in mind, but man, I am HAPPY I went. What a weird experience. Hope it happens again!
Oh, hold on.
There is a show that has been playing here since I got here. It is really fun and instead of going into the whole premise of the show, I'm going to use my mad blog skillz and hyperlink it. The show is called 무한도전 pronounced moo han doh jun. It means Infinite Challenge. This is the only Korean show that I can handle watching on a regular basis because it's not corny, the actors aren't extremely annoying and it has a lot of action (not usually cornball slapstick). Throughout the years, I have come to understand that nearly everyone I know (Koreans) watches this show. I have come to find the styles of 2 of the members to be the most entertaining. The first is yoo jae suk. He's the leader of the group and pretty funny. He is also a really nice guy and I'd guess that he is the most popular entertainer in Korea probably of all time. It seems that everyone loves him and everything he touches is successful. He's my second favorite entertainer. The other (and by far my favorite) is a guy named Noh Hong Cheol (<---Hyperlinkability!) (read the links please, I'm not just doing it to show my amazing editing skills).
Ok, back to what I was saying before. I passed the subway and saw a gathering. Before I got there, I remember thinking, I wonder if it could possibly be a muhan dojeon filming. As I was looking over to see what was going on, I caught a glimpse of a tall Korean with a goatee. Instantly I realized what I was seeing. There in front of me, 10 feet away was my favorite Korean entertainer. Standing in front of some odd food truck was Noh Hong Cheol (he also sang this song as part of his show, its called "shake it"). After trying to take a couple pics but getting blocked by the producers several times, I decided to head over to the side where there was a considerable lack of people. Now, I was 3 feet away from him and he was taking a short break while the director was working with his new co-host for his new show. I called out his name and when he turned around I put my thumb up, extended my arm and said, "you're the best". He did a double take when he saw that I wasn't a Korean and gave me a huge smile, he came over and shook my hand and we shared a little bro hug.
He started talking to me and instantly I had 5 cameras surrounding me. They were not going to miss the chance to film him speaking with a foreigner! I quickly realized that his English really is SERIOUSLY lacking. So, I spoke with him mostly in Korean because my Korean is better than his English. . .that's bad! He asked me where I was from and was surprised when I told him I knew who he was and that I watch his other show every week. He and his co-host (some guy who was in a boy band a little while ago that I don't know) explained to me that this new show is selling food for donations that go to some sort of charity. They wanted me to buy the first round of food. I was a little hungry and I am a ham for attention, since they were going to put me on tv, I agreed. Instead of just going up and grabbing some food, they made a huge show of it and No Hong Cheol made me address the crowd through a megaphone and introduce myself. With cameras 2 inches from my face, I said the only thing I could think of in Korean. "My name is (Korean name) I am American." well, it worked. I bought my food and walked away allowing them to get on with the show. It should air Friday the 13th at midnight thirty on MBN.
The rest of my trip was awesome and I am happy I was able to hang out, drink a couple good drinks, eat some amazing food, more importantly meet up with some good friends and wake up feeling good so that I could get on the bus and come back to my beautiful pregnant wife.
I wasn't sure if I was going to go to Seoul this weekend because I didn't have a specific goal in mind, but man, I am HAPPY I went. What a weird experience. Hope it happens again!
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